In an effort to participate in a New England tradition before moving to the midwest, namely cooking lobsters, Emilie and Jonathan purchase lobsters at Alive & Kicking in Cambridge. To foreshadow the experience you’re about to read through, they should simply have purchased lobster sandwiches instead, as Alive & Kicking has what is arguably the best one in the greater Boston area. This would have saved them a good deal of stress, marital strife, and moral ambiguity. What follows are transcripts of a recording of the experience. Disclaimer: lobsters were unintentionally, but absolutely harmed in the making of this post…
Emilie and Jonathan are in the Craft & Process kitchen, having just moved a bag to the counter containing two live lobsters, which had been briefly in the freezer to put the creatures to sleep. This was a recommendation based on internet research.
Emilie: How ya doing lobsters?
Jonathan: looks in bag There is still some movement.
Emilie: Yeah?
Jonathan: It’s pretty freaky.
Emilie: You can do it. I believe it you.
Jonathan: Okay thanks. I am going to do the more active one first, because it creeps me out more.
Emilie: Oh dear, I am going to try to control my screaming.
Jonathan peeks in the bag.
Jonathan: They are super lethargic.
Emilie turns out lights to have better photography lighting.
Jonathan: Really, you’re going to make me do this in the dark?
Emilie: Yeah sorry. It’s not that dark.
Jonathan slowly reaches his hand inside the bag and withdraws the lobster, placing it upside down on a cutting board.
Emilie: Oh my GOODNESS!!!
Jonathan: Okay…you need to calm down… Please don’t make me more anxious!
Emilie: Eep! Okay I’ll try.
Jonathan and Emilie study the lobster in silence.
Emilie: I don’t like the look of it.
Jonathan: It looks like the face hugger.
Emilie: I’m just gonna pretend to look at the lobster through the camera instead of at the real lobster.
Jonathan grabs the large chefs knife to make a quick incision kill. Having done some further internet research (mostly Gordon Ramsay videos), it was determined to be the most humane method of quickly and painlessly killing the lobsters.
The lobster is still face up on the cutting board, sleepily moving its legs. Jonathan holds the lobster gently by the tail with his left hand and holds the chefs knife in his right hand.
Jonathan: sorry buddy…this is sad…
Jonathan inhales, bracing himself.
Jonathan: Can I do this without hurting myself…
Jonathan inserts the knife tip into the lobster, just above the tail.
Emilie: Oh dear.
Knife crunches into lobster’s shell, halfway through the cut, and Jonathan pushes the knife down through the lobsters body towards the head.
Emilie: Oh shit.
Jonathan: Keep calm.
Jonathan completes the knife movement and the edge of the knife meets the cutting board through the lobster.
Jonathan: Crap.
The lobsters legs are still moving.
Jonathan: (to Emilie) Okay! Quick… Take a picture!
Jonathan (to lobster): Sorry.
The lobsters legs still continue to move, rather quickly for being nearly sliced in half.
Emilie: I think he’s still alive somehow
Jonathan: No no no…It’s just… he’s got a distributed nervous system. So it’s just… residual movement…Okay, so need to be speedy about this.
The lobsters legs still move, with no indication of slowing down.
Jonathan: Oh boy. Whelp. I might be an inhuman monster here.
Emilie: I think we should just put him in the water.
Jonathan: Great idea. Let’s move. Forget the stabbing on the second lobster. I can’t do that again.
Emilie removes the lid of the lobster pot, and Jonathan quickly throws both lobsters into the boiling water.
Jonathan: Alright, that was…
Emilie: …kind of horrifying.
Jonathan: We did NOT do that very well. And I feel like a monster.
Emilie: I’m sorry.
Jonathan: Well, for some reason putting the lobsters straight into the boiling water is not as disconcerting. It’s not as upsetting.
Emilie: Maybe going straight into the boiling water is actually more humane since we were not as accurate with our cut…The second one probably died faster in the water.
Jonathan: Let’s say that. Although I’ve seen Gordon Ramsay do the knife move, and it looked so easy! But he’s also just good at this stuff. Okay, well, it’s still going to be lobster!
Emilie: Can you taste pain in lobsters?
Jonathan: I don’t think so. I think they are both going to taste like lobsters.
Emilie: Yeah. They are probably still going to be delicious. Let’s get some wine out to wash out our lobster killing experience.
Jonathan: Let’s eat some seabugs!
Further reading:
Consider the Lobster, by David Foster Wallace from Gourmet (2004)
Jim Gaffigan on eating sea bugs
Our other adventures with shellfish